Sometimes parody is so close to truth as to be painful. But then, isn’t that point of parody?

That’s the thing with aristocrats: they are genetically imbued with a sense of entitlement, a fact that eludes the conversation much of the time.

Layoffs Are Necessary If We Want To Keep The Lights On,’ Says CEO Halfway Through Tasting Menu

Byatt explains the dire need to cut costs before enjoying his tuna tartare with a basil emulsion.

PHILADELPHIA—As the fifth plate of his 10-course, $150 prix fixe tasting menu dinner was carefully placed on the manicured table in front of him, Kohl-Strauss Media Group CEO Tom Byatt reportedly told a colleague Tuesday that in order for the company to stay afloat in this adverse economic climate, staff layoffs would likely be necessary.

“The fact of the matter is, our financial outlook is just not what it used to be, and if we want to keep the lights on, we’re going to have to start making some tough choices,” said Byatt, cutting into a piece of seared foie gras subsumed in a rich pheasant consommé. “Personally, I wish we could keep everybody. But unfortunately, I’m in the position of having to decide what the best direction for our company is, and I don’t see any other option than reducing our overall cost structure and finding some way to trim payroll.”

“It’s far from an ideal situation, but we have to cut corners somewhere,” Byatt added as a second waiter arrived with a $110 bottle of Château Figeac from the wine cellar. “That’s just a reality of our business model.”

Following a 20-minute period in which the executive and his colleague sampled a lobster broth hors d’oeuvre arriving compliments of the chef and listened to the maître d’ explain how the lobster had been flown in from Maine that morning, Byatt reasoned that, although it pained him to say so, his company could definitely stand to lose about a dozen people in sales, and roughly another 15 or 20 in the marketing and production divisions.

As the pair continued through lavishly designed plates of haute cuisine at a table situated near the window so that Byatt could keep an eye on his valet-parked 2011 Jaguar XJ, they discussed the unfortunate challenges of today’s market and the tremendous stress placed on those at the management level to keep their businesses financially solvent.

“As you know, nothing about these layoffs is easy for me,” said Byatt, lifting his arms so that a waiter could gently sweep tiny morsels of gourmet artisanal bread off the table with a stainless-steel crumb comb. “I’m going to have to go into the office Monday morning and tell Mark to tell these people that they’re going to be let go, all while trying to maintain employee morale. You can imagine how heavily that weighs on me.”

“But I think our remaining staff will certainly recognize everything I’m doing to keep us competitive,” Byatt continued before deeply inhaling the aroma of a dry-aged bison filet mignon lightly coated in a truffle glaze and resting on a bed of imported fiddlehead ferns. “I just hope they appreciate the kind of pressure I’m under.”

After consuming his dessert courses of lavender crème brûlée and a caramelized brioche with a strawberry foam, restating his belief that payroll cuts are simply part of what a modern company has to do, and offering to have further talks on the subject of reducing company expenditures this weekend at his country house, Byatt thanked his colleague for working with him to “do right by this company” and snapped his fingers for the bill.

“Oh, no, no, no, please,” said Byatt, waving away his colleague’s hand and putting down the company credit card. “I got this.”

Original post on The Onion

46 Responses to “Let Them Eat Cake!”

  1. pavson kan says:

    Corporatism is not free market. Anytime Government becomes a with big business it is not free market. That’s gov favoritism, corporatism, fascism etc.

  2. falkowante flat says:

    to this day the most influential people in my life have been my coaches. Not because they taught me how to tackle or throw a curve ball but b/c they gave a damn about where us kids were headed in life. and them showing interest in us made our teams want to succeed in life because we did not want to let down our coaches who believed in us. im not from a privelaged neighborhood like mark is, so this meant a lot to us at the time b/c we didnt get the same at home

  3. Mike Tyson has been trying his hand at comedy lately and the results have been better than expected (which isn’t saying much). First Tyson appeared on the Roast of Charlie Sheen and now he’s Herman Cain in a new election season parody series called “Live Funny or Die.” The new series is hosted by FunnyOrDie.com […]
    Mike Tyson Parodies Herman Cain In New Video Series is a post from: The Inquisitr

  4. audran chounponte says:

    They actually look a lot like the twilight characters, well done acting!! Effects were great, must have taken a bit to do. You even walk like edward!! 🙂 Mine kept stalling though :((( Anyone elses do that. She ate floor apple 🙂

  5. oubashigle oya says:

    eaturbrainz on Young UK jobseekers told to work without pay or lose unemployment benefits. People taking up work experience places – providing up to 30 hours a week of unpaid labour – face losing benefits if they quit –

  6. luis alaidegued says:

    Alright look we all know not a great singer and a little different looking but be mean seriously messed up. You know how many people kill themselves due to bullying & cyberbullying just stop. She may read those comments and you don;t know what goes through her head.

  7. hey i just did a parody of sail by awolnation, could you check it ou and let me know what you think

  8. margadbett madigginee says:

    Ron Paul passionately excoriates preemptive war doctrine – wants the US out of the UN – wants the elimination of the Federal Reserve – resists the globalist agenda – Objects to US forces occupying over 100 countries – calls for an end to unnecessary foreign aid – the right to keep and bear arms, homeschooling, and the Sanctity of Life Act. the CHAMPION of the CONSTITUTION who has my vote! I sent MONEY!

  9. The people thinking on the other side of the equation is just good fashioned cognitive bias. That happens in every culture and for about almost any metric, not just economic status.

  10. salecachar says:

    Actually most of this technology is about 50 years away. There already is a clumsy prototype of that newspaper. Thanks to processors as small as the diameter of a hair that and chips implanted in clothing, and in everything, all that can be possible and 1st world societies will be increasingly dependent on fragile technology to survive.

  11. kerski treetzensk says:

    haha what does that bear say?! this reminds me of the accident I have – that lady sure was Wierd 😀 HAHA

  12. “…Yoy are one of many who we need to rid our system of”. That´s a death treath, it means if push comes to shove, you will need to be “liquidated” for the greater good. People need to calm down before trying to come up with big plans to change the country for the better, before you know you may get what you are asking for and maybe you will end on the wrong side of the stick.

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  16. khall rfran says:

    also I believe in corporatism. This is alive and well in the highest level of our leaders. Lobbying is a

  17. perdalleti says:

    Fascism should more properly be called corporatism because it is the merger of state and corporate power – Benito Mussolini

  18. ahahahaha I just died a bit! XD And I love that seen The Trip, so glad to hear made it State-side 🙂

  19. Socialist controlled Benalmadena council has banned putting towels on the beach in front of sun loungers. Who encourages corporatism again?

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  21. bortenback says:

    To be honest, I never gave it much thought once that film clip became a meme. I do not know how to explain it, but in the case of the dictator, ridiculing him takes some of the evil out (or rather the power/influence the original had? I mean, even Chaplin ridiculed Hitler and his ilk). Having said that, I would not find a rape comedy sketch funny no matter what it was. Had not seen the library one, btw.

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  23. chaud ebaldonna says:

    “what you get when you decide to bet your retirement on an oil company in the 21st century” on BP must read!

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  25. hey go home or to a mission. “Corporatism” is the way the WORLD works. Democracy is the way we work and we’re about to fix that. –

  26. Fascism should rightly be called Corporatism, as it is the merger of corporate and government power. ~ Mussolini –

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  28. kubenicken cosey says:

    We must not allow the disastrous results of corporatism to be ascribed incorrectly to free market capitalism v –

  29. riede noi says:

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  30. dems & stop the tiny battles & win the f’ng war, i am the middle, i am the 99%, its me and mine that are affected by corporatism

  31. jasmanek says:

    I’m not sure where you are getting any basis for your allegations that I think I’m better than anyone or deserving of ruling over the “rest of you”. I’m not in favor of anyone ruling anybody. That would be crystal clear to you if you had paid attention to more of my posts. I do not corporatism, and neither do I Statism.  Corporate fascism derives all of its power from government. Eliminate that govt power and you have neutered evil corporations.

  32. There is a difference between and in a free market, when corporations pay less tax than citizens there is a issue

  33. hubachanco says:

    In 1980 Jimmy refused to debate John Anderson and the LWV put an empty chair in his place. That’s guts. Not Corporatism

  34. munsteele shomittney says:

    RT “Fascism should rightly be called Corporatism, as it is the merger of corporate and government power.”
    -Benito Mussol …

  35. Exactly – that’s corporatism. Ruling elite controlling globe of debt slaves. Only 1’s that get ahead are those that cooperate

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  37. schmeyaral says:

    Vladimir Putin revealed last week his vision of the new Russia, one of enhanced authoritarianism by means of a new corporatism and in the context of continued “managed democracy.” He and his stress that he is trying to ensure stability in case of future threats to Russian unity. The opposition claims it is nothing more than an electoral strategy to shore up his and United Russia’s declining approval ratings. But the “All-Russia People’s Front” is really his bid to take Russia back to the future. With this project he reveals what many observers have worried about all along: that Putin unquestionably desires to make Russia into a neo-czarist state, albeit an electoral one and succeeding at modernization where the czars failed. If he gets his way, the democratization of Russia will perhaps have taken a permanent step backwards. And this will tell us as much about the Russian people as it will about Putin and the elites who have ensconced themselves in power. The “unified civil…

  38. The PROTECT IP Act seems really bad. Just what we need in America: more corporatism at the expense of free speech.

  39. 70’s was what they called “neo-corporatism”. Maybe original was in mid 40’s & revived. 60’s thru 80’s was boom time here

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  41. Today is the day that we all change our minds to ending belief in western corporatism & greed & replacing it …

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